Parenting Through the Past: Raising Kids While Healing from Childhood Trauma

Parenting is often described as one of life’s most transformative experiences. It challenges us, stretches us, and ultimately changes us in profound ways. But for those of us who carry the invisible wounds of childhood trauma, parenting becomes more than a journey—it becomes a reckoning.

We are the cycle-breakers. The ones determined to do better, to give our children what we didn’t have, and to protect them from what we endured. But we do so while carrying the weight of our own unmet needs, unhealed wounds, and unresolved fears. Parenting with trauma is like running a marathon with a sprained ankle. You may still make it to the finish line, but every step is harder than it should be.

The Ghosts in the Nursery

The phrase “ghosts in the nursery” was coined by psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg in the 1970s. It refers to the way a parent’s unresolved childhood trauma can unconsciously shape the way they respond to their own children. These “ghosts” can appear in the most unexpected ways—an overreaction to a toddler’s tantrum, a deep discomfort with closeness, or a paralyzing fear when your child makes a mistake.

Trauma doesn’t need to be extreme to leave lasting scars. It can stem from emotional neglect, physical abuse, parental substance use, a divorce, bullying, or even growing up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent. Whatever the origin, the trauma shapes our sense of safety, trust, and self-worth—all of which directly influence how we show up as parents.

The Double Life of a Trauma Survivor Parent

Being a parent with trauma often feels like living a double life. On one side, there’s the image you present to your children: strong, loving, stable, present. On the other side is the inner world—an emotional landscape riddled with triggers, anxiety, fear, and sometimes shame.

You might find yourself snapping at your child, not because they did something terrible, but because their behavior tapped into an old wound—perhaps a feeling of being unheard or disrespected that goes far beyond the moment. Then, guilt sets in. And with it, the crushing fear: “Am I becoming the parent I swore I’d never be?”

This fear is not uncommon. Many trauma survivor parents walk a tightrope between wanting to protect their children and fearing they might hurt them the way they were once hurt. It’s a heartbreaking contradiction—to love deeply while fearing you are somehow broken, unfit, or unworthy.

Breaking the Cycle: Awareness is the First Step

The good news? Just the fact that you are reading this, that you are reflecting, wondering, and caring, means you are already breaking the cycle.

Trauma thrives in secrecy and silence. It festers in denial and neglect. But healing begins with awareness. When we take the time to explore how our childhood experiences shaped us—our fears, our coping mechanisms, our parenting styles—we start to reclaim power over them.

This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. In fact, trying to be a perfect parent is often a trauma response in itself. It can stem from trying to overcompensate, to control what feels uncontrollable, or to avoid being “bad” at any cost. But healing means embracing the truth that you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent. You just have to be present, honest, and willing to grow.

Step 2: Navigating Your Triggers and Time Machines

One of the hardest parts of parenting with trauma is dealing with triggers. Children, especially in their raw, unfiltered authenticity, can trigger things we haven’t thought about in years.

Your child’s tears might remind you of the times you cried and no one came. Their anger might mirror your own suppressed rage. Their neediness might bring up feelings of being overwhelmed and unseen. Triggers are like emotional time machines, suddenly transporting you to a place you didn’t choose to go.

It’s easy to blame your child in these moments, or to shame yourself. But neither path leads to healing. Instead, try to pause and ask: What is this really about? What am I feeling right now that’s older than this moment?

Doing this isn’t easy. It takes practice, support, and sometimes professional help. But it’s a practice that builds emotional resilience and teaches your child a powerful lesson—that it’s okay to feel big emotions, and that healing is possible.

Step 3: Reparenting Yourself While Parenting Your Child

One of the most transformative parts of parenting as a trauma survivor is the opportunity it gives you to reparent yourself. Every time you offer your child something you didn’t get—validation, safety, unconditional love—you also offer it to your inner child.

When your child cries and you hold them instead of ignoring them, you send a message to your younger self: You deserved comfort too.
When your child messes up and you respond with empathy instead of punishment, you tell your younger self: You were more than your mistakes.

This process is incredibly healing, but it’s also exhausting. Reparenting yourself while parenting your actual child can feel like doing two jobs at once. That’s why self-compassion is essential. You will mess up. You will yell sometimes. You will lose your cool. But every repair is a chance to build trust and connection.

Step 4: Building a Support System

Healing from trauma is not something anyone should have to do alone. Yet many trauma survivor parents are used to going it alone. They may have learned early on that people aren’t trustworthy, or that asking for help makes you weak.

But isolation only deepens the pain. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, online communities, or just one trusted friend, connection is crucial. Parenting is hard for everyone. Parenting while healing is heroic. You deserve support that recognizes both.

And if therapy isn’t accessible to you right now, there are still resources—books, podcasts, trauma-informed parenting pages on social media—that can be lifelines of validation and guidance. Some of the most empowering words you’ll ever hear are, “You’re not alone.”

Step 5: Rewriting the Narrative

Our parents were often just doing the best they could with what they had. That doesn’t excuse abuse or neglect, but it helps us understand the legacy of trauma. Understanding, however, is not the same as repeating.

When we consciously choose different patterns, we begin to rewrite the narrative. Our children become part of a new story—one of healing, safety, and connection. And in doing so, we also begin to heal ourselves.

It’s okay to grieve what you didn’t get. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or confused about your past. But remember: your past does not define your future, and it certainly doesn’t define your children’s future. You get to choose what kind of parent you want to be. And even if it’s one mindful choice at a time, those choices matter.

Final Thoughts

Parenting with childhood trauma is one of the most difficult things a person can do—and also one of the most meaningful. It asks more of you than most people will ever understand. But it also gives you something few ever get: the chance to transform pain into purpose.

You are not broken. You are brave. You are not failing your children—you are showing them what it means to face hard things with courage and compassion. And that’s part of what makes you the kind of parent your child needs. There will be days when the pain of the past roars louder than the joys of the present. Days when you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or lost. That’s part of the process. Healing is not linear, and parenting rarely goes according to plan.

And no matter how lonely it feels at times, you’re not alone. Our therapists at Empowered Mind Therapy group are trauma survivors and trauma experts trained in helping parents navigate this difficult time. We use a range of evidence-based approaches to help foster healing. Reach out today and schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more – and get the support you deserve. If you’re not ready for therapy, try to remember that there are thousands of other parents walking this path beside you, healing as they go. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to keep showing up—with love, with intention, and with the deep belief that it’s never too late to heal.

Because every time you choose to do things differently, you’re not just changing your child’s life. You’re healing your own.

About the Author:

Shaneze Gayle Smith, PhD, is the founder of Empowered Mind Therapy Group. With unique training experience in trauma as well as child, adolescent and parenting concerns, she specializes in supporting trauma survivors and parents to be the best versions of themselves.